From my Blogspot blog: http://myturbulent20s.blogspot.com

2 months ago I decided I wanted passive income streams, a term I had just recently learned about. I decided to go full throttle. So I hired a coach developed a business plan of sorts, started writing my policies, made freelance contacts, and had a small army of designers / developers ready for the go... and then I brushed up against a nightmarish scenario of a client, or three, and realized that even on the best of days I didn't want to do what I thought I wanted to do.

This was not at all a passive stream. This was a really really involved sulfuric acid drip! 

Sskirratch that.

So I had another business idea, a good idea, a wellness product I love and use and feel passionately about. The idea was to take it slow, start easy, get others on board, and do nothing.  Again, a faulty business model because the truth was that I needed to get involved with costs, shipping, blah blah blah.  And hey! No one said I would need to actually do any WORK to get these off the ground!  Come on!

Meanwhile I also started a part time graduate program at Columbia and began to learn that grad school, even the one class I was taking, is a bitch of a work load!  The readings are a lot, and even though I have been enjoying the lot tremendously, are a huge time sink.

And there was more:

- relationship growth aka emotional trepidation and difficulty

- work restructuring

- weekly improv troop work

- a fast

I began spiraling out of control, and felt emotionally drained let alone physically exhausted.

So I decided to stop.

I pulled the chord, stopped the factory line and observed that it was going all too fast to begin with.  The soda pop was spilling all over the conveyer belt; the bottles weren't being filled, and I was running about mopping up the mess instead of sipping pina coladas on the beach.  The structures were still weak, and most importantly I realized I had no desire to be in the soda pop business in the first place!

I deaded the conversations that were exhausting me, caused a business partnership to sink, began going to sleep at 10pm (except tonight), recreated the relationship that was not working, took on a new realm at work, and thought about writing music again. 

But speaking to my coach today I said "maybe we shouldn't work together anymore. I hired you to help me with my businesses."

And she said "sounds a bit like you think you failed."

And that was it really.  I did think I failed.  

I told her how I thought I had failed before I even flew.  But the truth was that I have been playing my butt off, and I actually think that realizing that the proverbial soda pop business wasn't for me was almost as if not more important than finding the one that is.  I mean imagine being trapped doing something you hate!  Nah.  No more.  

And I was running so fast my head spun.  After all, it's not about how fast you run, but about what you get in the process.  And I kept forgetting that.

I thought for a while I wanted to be on the big screen and at some point decided that I didn't want to go from audition to audition like my artist friends because it looked horrible.  But I do want to be an artist on a great show.   

I mean I wrote it on my Webby for cryin' out loud.  It reads "winner of the Golden Globe."  

I didn't even know what they award the Golden Globe for, but I was sure I was going to get it.  Enough to have it engraved on my Web award.  Only a nut job like me does that!

But why not?

Follow your heart?  Yeah.  That's the one.  Cus if I get straight and ask myself the intentions of my businesses?  To not have to work.  But it's not about not working.  It's all about doing what you love. 

And I know I am no first time pundit saying this to you, and you'll have to go through your own soda pop factories to realize the stuff that isn't for you.

But in the end, we all hopefully end up in the same place - peaceful and content as a pig in you know what.

Watch this:  Credit Crisis Visualized

When you feel good.

You know that aching knee pain when you're 14? Clothes stop fitting, everything hurts, you don't understand why you feel the way you feel.  Ahh the memories.  I was always tall for my age, so I remember this difficult process well.  Being the tallest girl in class also didn't help.  But that's another blog post.  As I sit here on the couch, a lot of things come to mind: Darwin's theory of evolution has been accepted by the Vatican as NOT anti-creationist; the Discovery channel special on the Science of Love where they break our concept of love into scientific bits, the TV special on California's tectonic plates, oh and of course the economic mess.  

It seems to me that evolution is everywhere; it's only getting faster and harder to keep up with, and to top it off, we're the test case.

Its pretty easy to see that the world is changing rapidly.  I was born in the U.S.S.R. - a country that no longer exists.  And back in Soviet Russia, we wore school uniforms, learned about Lenin, and were told God didn't exist.  Next thing I know we're in NYC, living in a Dominican/Hasidic community, and boy did we have to evolve. And boy did it hurt!  It hurt all over!  The language, the customs, the new races we've never seen before, the food.  Oh the food!  Let's not start.  We had to adapt to the new environment, old habits died, new ones were formed. Man stood up.  

And now America is going through the same thing, again. 

History brilliantly shows us that we are run by the necessity to expand or contract. Science teaches us that nothing really stands still. There is always a process happening in the background even though we may not see it. But what is that process? Is it certainly the weeding out of irrelevant, unnecessary objects? I think so. Except it's not only objects. It's also thinking. Human traits have evolved - the mating ritual has changed to fit the modernity of the woman, so why not thinking? Everyone going green, doing yoga, eating organic, and being nicer - it's all the the same thing. We simply need these new traits to survive, because what we were doing before is no longer working.

America brought something fundamentally different to the world - something mostly unseen. It was born in England in some ways, but really evolved in the States. This concept of freedom. It's totally radical! It was not seen in other places. People in New York walk around in their pajamas as students; they wear jeans in all ages, and you will often not know someone's worth based on their tennis shoes. Europe didn't have this. The Soviet Union certainly didn't have this. This country is unique and beautiful, and it's given something to the world. With all the B.S., it's given it hope, hope to so many people that something as radical as freedom can exist. It's imperfect, as all human systems are. After all, we are imperfect ourselves. But it's shifting and evolving as is everything in the world.

The Vatican approved the theory of evolution. What the hell?! I mean this was NOT a possibility some years ago. This is a huge thing for the planet. There are lots of Catholics! A black president in the US? That's a huge thing as well! It's like thinking is being bent on a global scale. We are all evolving. We are growing or dying, but we are never standing still.

And I know that people say that we are all in on this together. But really, it's true. We, all of us, are the face of the world. Those of us who live in the US are the face of the US, and we are all partially responsible for everything that happens globally as a result. Surely it doesn't mean we blame ourselves for political blunders like Iraq (ahem), but we are all partially responsible, as we are part of the living and breathing organism that America is. 

And now it's evolving again. Into something else. Because what it was was no longer working. And enough people understood that and realized that survival was more important than being prejudiced against a black guy. 

Survival always was smarter than logic, always has been.  Survival is a lot more powerful, and we have relied on it silently since we were born as a species, however that may have happened.

And seriously people, look at the world and what it's become! This is not the world of 10 years ago. Countries are getting up out of the dirt that they've been in for generations. People are getting educated. Women have a new voice. Races are mixing and blending. Evolution is everywhere!

And we should not resist it but instead learn to flow. Flow with it and understand that we are so very very impermanent. But a leaf in the wind. And we have no idea what the planet's agenda is.

I myself have found myself being afraid in moments. Asking myself "what's next?" "Are we all going to be ok?" And somehow I think we are. Because no matter what happens, it's all part of our growth and development as a species. My knowledge is a collection of all the people before me, and I thank all those who died eating crazy poisoned food, crossing oceans, catching new diseases.  So I realized at some point that if my head falls off because I use the cell too much, the world will have gained something.  Maybe someone will remodel the way we use these devices, and I may return as a butterfly in a field in Montana. Which may actually be really very nice.  And if not, then so be it.

Having been gone so long I forgot about this wonderful, warm community.
Having been gone so long I wouldnt be surprised if I've been forgotten and no one ever reads this.

But I'd like to say I'm back, bc this place really is so warm, if even once a week.

What I've been up to in these months is multi fold:

- I've been coaching a leadership program at Landmark Education - which ironically has an add here now. That has been having me be UBER busy.
- I've been working my butt off
- Ive been NOT SMOKING, therefore SINGING!
- I've been in a relationship
- I've been moving into a lovely new place all to myself
- I've been recomitting to a life i love!
- I've been out of touch with this here place
- I've been weathering the winter.
- I've been concerned with our planet and reading everything I can about it, and only feeling worse...
- I've also picked up a crappy habbit of being annoyed by people, more so than ever mostly because I think I'm just really tired and burnt out.

All I really want to be doing is writing music and meditating and performing and playing. Not working or designing sites or any of that anymore.

My eyes are precious and I'd like to keep them.

I also no longer want to spend so much time securing my place to live, food, and the like. With the upcoming recession, however, I wonder how possible that really is.

But alas, that's where I've been.

Lots of love to those who may still remember me...
Katya

And so I blogged.
About competition...

A friend sent me a link to a book that I have been reading by Wallace D. Wattles (left) called "The Science of Getting Rich". It is an odd title for this book (written 100 years ago), because he really describes the Law of Attraction. How to CREATE your life. Its not all about money.

[ Notice the embarrasment I experience as soon as its about moolah! So undeserving! ]

Anyhow, one of the tenets is that becoming wealthy does NOT mean your wealth has to be at the expense of another. That once you experience feelings of competition you are dropping back down into the old line of thinking.

You are no longer creating your life, you are competing for it.

Another tenet is that there is enough for everyone. [ Read my bio for some other tenets and a link to download a free copy online. ]

Anyway, starting a business creates all this fear and anxiety - "will I succeed?" "What if so and so has a similar idea?" Blah blah blah. Stuff that stands in the way of succedding in anything. And Wattles says that in moments like that you've gotta focus on gratitude. HAVE GRATITUDE for all that YOU HAVE.

You can not rise out of something until you have outgrown it. And you have not outgrown it, you can not graduate. So BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE NOW, and appreciate all that you have.

So I couldnt sleep because i was laying there thinking about integrity and life and my spiritual practice, and how when I miss a day, I feel at odds with myself. This is sort of new because I didn't used to feel so bad. But lately I do. And its cus I've made a commitment to myself, my life, and my business - this one and all the next ones - to be ALL THAT I CAN BE.

Now when I am NOT, I fall into fear and competitive panic that feeds frenzy. It is no longer for the benefit of ALL. It becomes about ME. And that's when the nets rips and all the LOVE that I have generated escapes... it dissipates because I have grown selfish!

Anyway, thats my midnite thought.  Have gratitude. And keep leaping. Lead for mankind.
Leap for your possibility. Be a stand for each other.

Check out the book. He will get you thinking. And its free - probably because the copyright laws have expired.

Love,
Katya

My grandfather was in love with Germans. Mind you he was a Russian-born (like myself) who fought against the Nazi's durring ZE VAR.

But he was also a dissident with a PhD in Engineering, whose parents were shot by the Russian revolutionaries when he was 15. Yeah, take THAT karma!

He always said: "The Germans do it right the first time." I don't know if that's true anymore, but I have learned to respect their craftsmanship.

This was a man who never really got along with bosses or any "authority" types, much like his beloved grand daughter, nor did he have much respect for anyone in particular. Only the most intelligent and sensible beings.

I'm not saying its the way to live a life, I don't even know how I went down the road of writing this blog, but feels like the past few posts I've written have been very direct, like arrows, and this one, well, it might be more emotional even where its dealing with life's ebbs.

Mediocrity sucks. It has sucked for me, and I have looked it in the face only to say "Kat, get off your a$$, and get going."

I think it will be soon time for me to take a new leap, to new heights, to new levels in career as well as my awareness. I already feel very different, and my world is reflecting it.

In the new year, I am learning patience and more more more patience, and I intend to learn something from each of you even if its how to boil eggs...

Namaste,
Katya

A cute picuture:

I focused, splitting hairs.
On history, through years
Of stories, colors, hues,
Great differences in views.

I was no warrior this time.
I was not strong, not fair, nor kind.
Drowned eagerly in graying mud,
Neglecting my own flesh and blood.

And stabbed.. Because I hurt so much.
How classy, I, and with what crutch!
A sword?
A knife?
Her bleeding heart!
Already hurting from the dart
Of years past...
Of years gone.

And I still fought...
Not moving on.

I was no warrior this time.
I was a shame, a fraud, a fake.
Now worth pretending I'm awake.

For I am not
If I could be,
So cold So eagerly.

But its alright,
My fur is down.
My tail is thinned.
Rests on the ground.
I do not growl.
Nor kick, nor stomp.
Accepting prenance
For my pomp.

And I agree that I was not
A warrior this time.

So splitting hairs is not the way.
I am not here to find out why.
I am not here to point the blame
Or make her feel some Christian shame

I'm not a judge, nor am I right.
I am a warrior who need not fight.

So you want a teacher....

If any of you have been to India (and I have not, but get my stories from the many firends who have) you may have a story yourself about being confronted by many people telling you that they are your "Baba."

"I am your Baba!" they yell. "I have been waiting for you. I will teach you truth!"

Most of the time its a hoax, and where they may have minor psychic powers, they are generally looking for a benefactor. Read "Entering the Diamond Way" by Ole Nydhal for a good story on that.

So you want a teacher...

Here are  The Necessary Ingredients:

1. your personal level of awareness
2. your personal karma
3. your view of the world - shaped by the above 2
4. your dedication to snapping out of your nonsense
5. the teacher
   
   

The first 3 dictate the type of person whom you are likely to attract. That is pretty elementary.

Number 4 deals with your actual intentions. What do you REALLY want? And number 5 is, well, the guide.

Lets address #4.

This is almost the most important thing.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
You have to ask yourself that.

 Do you want peace? Or magic powers? Or unsurpassible wisdom? Or just a better life?

What do you want? First answer that.

Because #5, the one you attract will follow your bullshit meter precisely.

If you want some tea-time blah blah blah, then you will get that. If you want a dead sage who can not refute your words, then you will get that. If you want a teacher in the astral, who will be your personal guide, then you will get that. But what do you want?

I noticed with my teacher that what I wanted was a smack. A smack hard enough to get me straight. A smack that was done with ultimate compassion, but a smack nontheless because I did not listen any other way. And guess what - I got that.

I also got a path to wisdom through personal experience, because that's also what I wanted, though the most mezmerizing journeys of body and mind ever imaginable, and an adventure through the worlds of my mind.

Many of my friends got a Buddhist monk, who met with them each week and read whatever they read. Some even went to a monestry, and later debated consort behavior and the law of disattachments with me, only to invite me to speak on the subject. Me! I told him it was not such a good idea. I would make them all take off their robes and laugh at themselves.

But that is me. Crazy wisdom lover. There was no other road for me. I am both - order and chaos. And what I take seriously will be laughed at shortly, only to be taken seriously again.

For many of you, what you want is logic and linearity alone.
Unfortunately that will bring you only more law and order, only more confusion, because in order to break through your walls of stasis you need anything BUT THAT.

How to look

Create the intention.
And he will find you.

You dont ultimately pick your teacher. They pick you. You attract what you need, and the teacher comes.

I sat outside a window reading Castaneda when I was 18, and I wanted that lineage. And I got it - within months. But that was also my development, my karma, and my readiness.

Many of you will be shocked and scared if you see things you are not ready for.

But some of you really really want something INTENSE!!!

So go for it. Wish for it. He'll come...

My organization is hosting the bi-annual GROCC conference Monday & Tuesday Dec 17 & 18 2006.
What does GROCC stand for? Global Roundtable on Climate Change!
I assisted this afternoon in the space these important people will be sitting in - the Exon Mobile's, the General Electric's, the President of Iceland, boys like that... clan boys.

Anyway, as we were gaffing, and getting everything ready for "El Roundtable", I asked one of the writers to put together a bulletted list at the end of the conference of all the things we can DO as people to CHANGE the impeding crisis. We have the data, but do we have solutions?

Everyone paused and looked at me. "Umm, hahahha." was the response.

It seems no one believes anything can really be done. I'm like "We're the EARTH Insitute, for cryin' out loud. We're dealing with the UN, with the African Millenium Villages. Can't we get real and actually offer solutions?"

But the answer seems to be more complicated. Its all tied into peace keeping and money. Seems if someone slits the lie lose, the whole thing will collapse like a house of cards... crazy to think that people really will go to war over water. That's something you thought stayed in Science Fiction novels.

The Bush administration is drilling for water on the moon. Yeah, NASA isn't keeping it secret, and I met the man in charge of the project myself - in an airport smoking bar in Colorado between flights.

He sat and smoked and told me how he is a mining engineer, and that the government is getting a team together to go up there and look for water. That was back in Feb 06, by now there's rock debris intermingled with water flying from the dark side of the moon like a dental tool against a tooth, and we ask ourselves: "How did we get here?"

And there ARE solutions. Most of them are governement policy. Most of them mean the rich have to stop getting richer. Most of them also mean that the majority of this uneducated mass must die in the trailer parks while sipping Juicy Juices and staring at the floating penguins as good BBQ prospects. Most of them require calamity and I'm not depressed!

Isn't that odd? We as a people will be tried and most of us will die. Maybe it will be in 10 years, maybe in 6 like the Mayans predicted. Maybe even the Mayans with land will have nothing to say once the heat dries their only food source.

There doesnt seem to be much of a solution list left. No one wasn't to say it, well maybe Al Gore, and our administration wants to keep us as bloody ignorant as it can - so that it can do its grand escape plan right under our noses.

Im not a conspiracy theorist - this is logic.

We have sacrificed longevity for comfort and boxed juice.

What to say now?  We can go to the conference and listen to the talks and eat sandwiches made from sick animals and close our eyes as others close theirs.

And i will sit there and manage the slide projectors and power point presentations on just how screwed we are.

But I'm not depressed... I think our generation was born ready.
I just hope that we can do as many acts of kindness as we can before its time.

Because if the time doesn't come, we will have been humaine while ordering our coffee from someone who doesn't speak English very well.