2 months ago I decided I wanted passive income streams, a term I had just recently learned about. I decided to go full throttle. So I hired
a coach developed a business plan of sorts, started writing my policies, made freelance contacts, and had a small army of designers / developers ready for the go... and then I brushed up against a nightmarish scenario of a client, or three, and realized that even on the best of days I didn't want to do what I thought I wanted to do.
This was not at all a passive stream. This was a really really involved sulfuric acid drip!
Sskirratch that.
So I had another business idea, a good idea, a wellness product I love and use and feel passionately about. The idea was to take it slow, start easy, get others on board, and do nothing. Again, a faulty business model because the truth was that I needed to get involved with costs, shipping, blah blah blah. And hey! No one said I would need to actually do any WORK to get these off the ground! Come on!
Meanwhile I also started a part time graduate program at Columbia and began to learn that grad school, even the one class I was taking, is a bitch of a work load! The readings are a lot, and even though I have been enjoying the lot tremendously, are a huge time sink.
And there was more:
- relationship growth aka emotional trepidation and difficulty
- a fast
I began spiraling out of control, and felt emotionally drained let alone physically exhausted.
So I decided to stop.
I pulled the chord, stopped the factory line and observed that it was going all too fast to begin with. The soda pop was spilling all over the conveyer belt; the bottles weren't being filled, and I was running about mopping up the mess instead of sipping pina coladas on the beach. The structures were still weak, and most importantly I realized I had no desire to be in the soda pop business in the first place!
I deaded the conversations that were exhausting me, caused a business partnership to sink, began going to sleep at 10pm (except tonight), recreated the relationship that was not working, took on a new realm at work, and thought about writing music again.
But speaking to my coach today I said "maybe we shouldn't work together anymore. I hired you to help me with my businesses."
And she said "sounds a bit like you think you failed."
And that was it really. I did think I failed.
I told her how I thought I had failed before I even flew. But the truth was that I have been playing my butt off, and I actually think that realizing that the proverbial soda pop business wasn't for me was almost as if not more important than finding the one that is. I mean imagine being trapped doing something you hate! Nah. No more.
And I was running so fast my head spun. After all, it's not about how fast you run, but about what you get in the process. And I kept forgetting that.
I thought for a while I wanted to be on the big screen and at some point decided that I didn't want to go from audition to audition like my artist friends because it looked horrible. But I do want to be an artist on a great show.
I mean I wrote it on my Webby for cryin' out loud. It reads "winner of the Golden Globe."
I didn't even know what they award the Golden Globe for, but I was sure I was going to get it. Enough to have it engraved on my Web award. Only a nut job like me does that!
But why not?
Follow your heart? Yeah. That's the one. Cus if I get straight and ask myself the intentions of my businesses? To not have to work. But it's not about not working. It's all about doing what you love.
And I know I am no first time pundit saying this to you, and you'll have to go through your own soda pop factories to realize the stuff that isn't for you.
But in the end, we all hopefully end up in the same place - peaceful and content as a pig in you know what.
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business
July 2009 
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Brilliant post, Katya! ’I pulled the chord’ - I love that!! The soda pop bottle metaphor is wonderful - and reminds me of old Lavern & Shirley episodes. I agree that knowing what doesn’t work is just as valuable as knowing what does.
I admire your courage in pulling the plug so quickly one what was not nourishing you.
You definitely are a success at failure, because you learn from it.
Follow your BLISS. (Joseph Campbell)
Thanks so much Tsuya.
It’s kind of interesting to look back and see it was only 2 months that I’d been playing the game before I was done.
But it was all happening all at once - like the power of attraction and intention was incredibly strong. Now I see that.
And it’s great to get such a blast of reality and be able to powerfully chose.
Hence the beauty in playing every game till your knuckles bleed, cus you wont find out if it’s the game for you until you do.
Thanks for reading!
Katya